Dealing with Other Writers’ Envy

In the previous post, I suggested a way to deal with your jealousy. The other side of the coin is the envy of other writers toward what you write.

If you continue to work at becoming a better writer, both in skills and spirit, this proficiency can have the unfortunate side effect of others resenting it and you.

So let’s get over the huffing and puffing. They have no right to be jealous. If they had put as much time and effort as I have…yeah, yeah. You’re right. But doesn’t change the situation. So let’s talk about dealing with it. But first…

Is it really envy?

Honestly, it’s probably more of a feeling than anything else. You get a vibe that someone in your writing group envies you.

But beware of assuming your reactions are fact. Sometimes, what we think is true is more about how we feel about ourselves than how than how the world feels about us.

So, before taking any action on your belief, just do a mental check. Can you identify anything the other person said or did which confirms your conviction? A list of possible actions was discussed in the previous post.

If you can’t identify anything concrete, then give a thought at what else might be going on with you that would prompt this touchiness.

But if you are pretty sure that it exists, let’s move onto how to deal with it. I want to distinguish between beginning writers and those more practiced.

Beginning writers

This happens. Even though you’re just starting out, you may get a funny reaction. It might be about your writing skill but might also be that you are daring to do something new and innovative.

Whatever the source, the first reaction is the urge to say what’s your problem? Well, you can of course do it, as long as you don’t mind losing the friend or causing a minor war.

Instead, I would simply stop asking them to read your stuff. If they press to do so, lie. Oh, I haven’t done anything recently.

At this stage in your writing career, it’s important to prevent disheartening feedback. It’s hard enough to summon the courage to write and share. Starting out, you need praise for the act of daring as much as the writing itself. Mean-spirited comments might discourage you into stopping.

More experienced writers

When you are a more experienced writer, the jealousy is likely to be subtle but still there.

I think you can factor your knowledge of the other’s mindset into the feedback. That is, don’t take just her word for the idea that the story is flat; poll the other members of the group. Or, just say, thanks, interesting point and just let it die.

And this antipathy is a kind of a compliment, however backward. Your writing is good enough to prompt these comments.

Okay, just one final thing. I know you would never do this consciously, but are you inadvertently creating this resentment?

No, no, I know you’re not. But just in case, ask yourself:

Could how forcefully you express your opinions come off as doctrinaire?
Do you remind your peers of your superior skills?
Are you dismissive of others’ feedback on your pieces?

No, I know you’re not. I have faith in you.

June 26, 2020June 5, 2020

Jealousy and Writers

Jealousy. This is kind of like those little icons on sites which ask “are you a human?” Check ‘yes’, please. Ergo (I’ve always wanted to use ‘ergo’), you’re likely to be jealous of other writers at one time or other. Somebody turns out a piece you don’t think you could have; another gets more praise than you think warranted i.e., more than you got.

Mostly writers deny or ignore the green-eyed monster. But pretending doesn’t help. Suppressed jealousy can make you feel inadequate. And people convinced they are lesser than aren’t the most open to learning and growing. So what can you do?

How to tell if you are jealous

This may have a kind of duh! feeling to it but like all emotions, jealousy can prompt you directly to action without being conscious of what lies beneath. A not-comprehensive list of how it might demonstrate itself:

Nit-picking the envied person’s piece. You can usually tell you’re doing it if nobody else has the same problem.
Pretending you don’t remember a fact/event which has been established to make The Other doubt how effectively she got it across.
‘Forgetting’ to read The Other’s piece.
Making extremely critical remarks (e.g. this is junk) rather than a more nuanced and kinder comment (e.g. I got a bit confused by the plot).

Of course, sometimes these are legitimate—well, maybe not the last one. But if you find yourself doing these more than occasionally, that you need to pause and ask yourself, what’s going on?

How to deal with your jealousy

Naturally, you could just stop expressing your feelings. But while that might stop the behavior, it doesn’t stop the emotion. So I propose a more comprehensive way.

Okay, are you jealous of Margaret Atwood, Salman Rushdie or Charles Dickens? Of course not. Unless you’re writing with them (particularly challenging in Dickens’ case), you don’t envy them—you admire them. So why not turn what you are feeling into that? It all comes from the same source but admiring someone’s writing makes it a whole lot easier for you and on you.

So when you get that funny, uncomfortable feeling in your stomach, or heart, or throat, try to reframe it.

Reframing the feeling

This is an exercise best done with a glass of wine and a quiet house.

Consult wherever in your body is telling you that you’re jealous. Don’t try to chase it away. Just be with it.
Ask yourself What about The Other’s writing makes me feel this way?
Some answers might be she makes it look so damn easy or how come he could come up with that great plot twist? or I wish I could write as lyrically—mine is so flat. Etc., etc.
Having identified the source, add: and I admire that. That is, she makes it look so damn easy and I admire that. How come he came up with that great plot twist? I admire that. You get the drill.
Hopefully, you can tap into the secret admiration which prompted the negative feeling to begin with.
Use this understanding to benefit your writing by asking The Other, “God, you make it look so damned easy. How do you do it?” You not only flatter The Other but might even get some good tips out of the response.

So, you can use the twinges of jealousy into something productive which can not only help your writing but relax that stomach, heart or throat that has been tensing up.

But what do you do it the tables are turned. How do you deal with envy directed your way? Next post.

May 22, 2020April 10, 2020

Appearing Naked on the Page

Naked on the page. Gives you shivers just thinking about it, doesn’t it? Even if you’re not quite sure what it means. Unfortunately, the explanation is not probably going to make you more comfortable.

What is being naked on the page?

I think my best writing has come when I am completely honest. No prettying up, no generous interpretations, no kind evasion. Being from a dysfunctional family, I write about the pain and cruelty, not about my mother’s cocktail parties.

Feels creepy, doesn’t it? I understand that. But it is, I believe, an important part of the humanity of the writer.

Why do I need to do it?

Stunning plot or appealing characters are important to your writing, but I believe that when readers ache for, identify with, and rejoice with a character, it is often because the writer has written from a place where she has allowed her rawest feelings to guide her writing.

Have you ever watched a stranger on TV cry? Because of the death of a loved one or other terrible experience. They show a vulnerability and openness which draws us in. Do we identify more with their plight? Do we like them more?

Yes and yes.

But it is not the tears themselves, I think, which move us but because we see part of their authentic, hurting self.

You also want to create that connection with a stranger (i.e. your protagonist) in your novel. And the only way I know how is to yourself be vulnerable and open when you write.

How do I do it?

Well, there’s no formula.

The best I can do is a tip which the author, W.O. Mitchell, gave and my first writing teacher, Barbara Turner-Vesselago, passed on to me. Go Fearward. That is, whenever you touch upon something from which you automatically shy away from, instead turn towards it. When your boyfriend said he was seeing somebody else; when you accepted your father was dying; when you betrayed your best friend.

Reach deep down and allow yourself to feel again the searing and write from that sear, not from the scar that has hidden it from view.

The only other thing I can give you is what I thought after following my writing teacher’s suggestion to write about my dysfunctional family.

I climbed the hill, the reluctance as strong as my panting. I wasn’t sure there was enough for a novel mostly because all I had was a feeling of a vast and terrifying darkness. Unrelieved abyss from which, on entry, one might never return. The dread of willingly consigning myself to years back in the hell. A hell from which, I thought, I had escaped.

But so strong was my wish to write, I ventured in. And found, to my growing delight, that it was not entirely a place of shadow and terror. That is was also of light and laughter. That in the wish to escape the night, I had forgotten the day. And also, in a bastardization of Shakespeare, that the remembering fed upon itself and I remembered more and more. So, in the long run, it was a gift. It gave me back who I was. Not all darkness, not all light. But me.

It is an act of bravery but one which I think writers must attempt if they wish to truly move their readers.

May 1, 2020April 9, 2020

Challenge Yourself in Your Writing

We of course want to concentrate on writing a good story. But because it is the pre-eminent goal doesn’t mean it has to be the only challenge you undertake. I have found my writing most personally satisfying when I learn something new, either technically or emotionally, as I am working on a project.

For example, in my novel Scam!, I wanted to write a novel with multiple Points of View (POV). I switched among four while also moving the plot forward. So when the main characters were all in the same scene, I had to pay special attention to staying within each worldview. That is, risk-taking Lauren can’t suddenly be timid to make the plot flow more smoothly. And carefree Chris can’t become a strategist. This way, I was writing what I wanted while increasing my facility with the craft.

What kind of challenge?

What writing challenge you undertake depends on where you are in your writing process.

Just starting out

If you are just starting, learning all you need to can seem daunting. But rather than being overwhelmed, remember that, like almost anything else, it is doable if you work on a chunk at a time.

What should you work on? Reread what you have written as if it is a stranger’s work and see if it prompts any ideas. If not, ask a friend to read it and discuss what he liked and what could be improved. However, remember that you need to know how to translate what your reader says into writerly action. Getting the Most Out of Readers’ Opinions discusses how.

If that doesn’t work, here are some suggestions.

Get rid of fancy-dancy speech tags like “he uttered, he shouted” and do the small fixes which still allow you to get across your intent. Read He Uttered! He exclaimed! for help.
Adverbs (gently, sadly, angrily) can be a short-cut way to describe emotion rather than showing what it looks and feels like. Address that using The Danger of Adverbs.
How we talk in real life—stuttering, pausing, repeating etc.—is perfectly okay. In real life. Even though fiction aims to simulate reality, fictional dialogue has its own rules. Find out what they are in Conversations versus Fictional Dialog.

Any of these would improve the quality of your writing and are eminently doable.

Farther along

If you’ve been writing for longer in either time or intensity, the best source of challenge is still a cool self-analysis of your writing. But here are some other possibilities.

Readers are most engaged by protagonists who fight to change things. But writers often like to write about those who like to observe the world. Like they do. Using the post, Don’t Write about Passive Observers—Like You, review your story to ensure you have an active heroine.
Besides writing great characters, you need to immerse your reader in a credible and captivating world. Use Creating the Fictional World to provide that.

So, write what interests you, of course. But try to include an aspect which challenges and increases the mastery of your craft. It will grow your confidence in your skill. It prevents you from getting stuck in a rut. And most of all, it’s fun.

March 20, 2020January 17, 2020

I’m Getting Awful Feedback—I Guess I Can’t Write

Okay, first, take a deep breath. Allowing others to read your writing is putting yourself on the line. It feels like a personal attack when you don’t get the kind of feedback you hoped for. And, if you are anything like me, you can’t get it out of your head, along with the conviction that this is irrefutable proof that you can’t write.

The curse of artistic endeavors is that, to create, you need to be sensitive, open to the world, and responsive to it. So your defenses can’t be up and thus you are more vulnerable to negative comments. But this is the time to let your analytic and logical left brain take over from your emotional and creative right brain.

Work through the follow steps to help your left brain kick in. The sooner the better.

Dealing with negative feedback

Step 1. Again, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. No, really do it.

Step 2. Set aside time for these steps—on paper or screen. Don’t just think the answers—that’ll just keep the judgments swirling around uncontrollably.

Step 3. Reread the comments or if the feedback was oral, write down what you remember. If you can’t bring yourself to do it right now, put the piece away for a day or so (no longer). But I’d try—otherwise, it just keeps festering.

Step 4. Pick the comment which hurts the most and answer:

Does it say that you can never be a writer or does it simply make an observation about your piece? One you are hurt by but still, probably about the piece, not you.
Can you reframe the statement as disappointing rather than world-ending? You’d hoped for a more positive reaction but didn’t get it. Remember, it’s about the piece, not you.
If you changed your story to accommodate this comment, would the piece be better for it? An acceptable answer is ‘no’ but articulate the reasons—don’t just react viscerally. Note: this is different from whether you have the skills to make the change.
If the change would help, do you know how to make it? If not, where could you get help to master this skill?
Make a plan (dates and specific actions, please) to make the change/get the help.
Take the next worst comment and repeat.

These steps will help slow things down enough to let your analytic side take over. If you work through the two or three comments that really hurt, you will usually find that you can move things from I know I’ll never be a writer to There are some things I can improve in the story.

When this won’t work

This process won’t work if the feedback comes from a person or persons who have a nasty streak. Knowing that this is a vulnerable spot, they go in for the kill. You know who they are.

Stop asking them for feedback, no matter how good their writing is. They are not going to help you to advance.

Does that mean you can’t write?

I know that this still leaves the question hanging—can I write? Let me put your heart at ease. Everybody has a story to tell and everybody can write if they are serious about mastering the craft and learn to manage the human side of writing (this post being a prime example).

Will you be Shakespeare or even a best seller? Don’t know. But you can write.